30 in 30....day 22

Another quick image today.

I always like this view of the old farm while heading into town.  I suspect this is the barn that will invoke more memories for my in-laws as they enter their golden years because most of their lives centred around it. This is Glad Crest Farms...made a lot more picturesque by the neighbours' charming white fence and omitted old implements around the yard! -That folks is called artistic license!  ;)

This is the place where I started doing the odd shift of milking before Scott and I were married and where I continued to milk every morning with him for the first few years of our marriage along with helping in calf rearing, herd management and more.  Considered a "big farm" in its time for this community it was quite a thrill then to work there....especially alongside my sweetheart.

Times changed and now the main dairy is situated up the road and across from our home, it is a much larger barn, a more complex operation, but the old barn and yard are still very much an integral part of the farm. My role changed too, and although I suspect I am less respected than when I did the daily grind, I now manage financials from home and very rarely make my presence known in the barn other than to snap some picture of the lovely ladies to paint or help catch the girls when they go on the occasional gallivant.

On the farm we undergo monumental changes, not always pleasant, and yet again this is what we are going through.  As a result I had mixed emotions while painting this image. The word that kept popping up in my mind the most was "big".

Big business, big headache, big dreams, big successes, big losses, big fun, big work, big tears, big laughter...I could go on and on and on.

Although these days I seem to dwell on the negative "bigs" I needed this list to see that there have been and will hopefully continue to be just as many positive "bigs" down the road. Just like any path in life there are ups and downs and there is likely no business with more volatile swings from negative to positive and back again than agriculture.  I've learned to hang on in spite of a little voice screaming at the top of it's lungs in the back of my head saying "Run for the Hills!" because there's a big piece of my heart wrapped up here too, unbeknownst to most.  

Maybe the tiny scale of the barn in this painting should remind me that we're really not all that "big" after all.  Our problems are small, our lives are maybe irritating but more or less manageable and healthy and I suspect that if we're privileged enough to reach our golden years we will also look back on our "big adventures" with more happiness than sorrow.  I also hope everyone else that has touched Glad Crest can someday say the same.

 

14 x 11

acrylic on canvas board

    

30 in 30....day 19

Today was a mixed up day.  There is a good deal of uncertainty in our lives these days surrounding our occupations and the choices we've made throughout the two decades and more that Scott and I have been working together to build our lives.  Nothing monumentally critical, we have our health and sanity (most days) and family and love so nothing that we don't believe we can't find the tools to handle, just not the somewhat more relaxed winter days of planning and dreaming with some rest and rehabilitation as in years past.

So, when I went to my easel today I went with an empty cup.  Frustration, resentment and not an ounce of desire to create anything new or inspirational went with me.  The project I settled on was not started this month, I actually started well over a year ago and just got away from it.  Again, not my "usual" style but something I really enjoy doing, when in the mood...I call these pieces my colouring book pages.  I had inked out the image before and had done a small amount of filling in with watercolour.  I decided that colouring was about all I could handle today.

What really helped is that it is my mom and dad's.  My childhood home.  With the riotous, very ambitious and yet well tended flower garden and raspberries which took over much of the vegetable patch after we kids left home.

Soon enough I was mesmerized in examining the photo and laying down the colours of the yard where I grew up and the place I will always think of as "home" and soon enough everything fell back into a more manageable place again.

Almost as good as a hug from them both.  Or like, snuggling up in the corner of one couch in the living room while dad watches television (likely curling if I'd gone today) on the other sofa all the while offering a running commentary or opinion on the broadcast while slipping in quiet phrases of encouragement and support.

Or flopping across their bed upstairs watching mom doing needlework or knitting in her armchair while pouring out my woes, which would eventually lead to us both lamenting choices made, then recalling better days, then laughing at the so many amazing memories that would not have been made had the choices been different.  Finally, that would lead me back to dreaming of what tomorrow may be.

In no time at all I'd be filled up with love to overflowing.  Fixed and as good as new for the next thousand miles, not to say that we don't have vast differences in opinions, or that I didn't take completely opposite paths than they would have if they could have chosen for me, but there's something so rare and precious about just going home and being unconditionally supported by your parents.  Even when you feel like a complete failure, even when you're supposed to be all grown up....it is a feeling I will always carry with me and always treasure.

Hoping this colouring book painting is a gift that they will enjoy during all their tomorrows no matter where life takes them.  Hoping I will have them to continue to support me for many years yet and that I am adequate at supporting them too.  I also hope they know that when I think back to my childhood, this is what I see, a picture perfect storybook life, a beautiful home overflowing with creativity and love, a secure and safe haven, that's what they and this place will always be to me.

             

18 x 12

watercolour

30 in 30....day 12 & 13

I'm not absolutely sure that this 30 day painting challenge is bringing out the very best of my artistic talent!

I decided to participate for various reasons, one which includes my continued involvement in the Pontiac Artists' Studio Tour.  The tour runs during the middle 2 weekends in June and my oldest in her 14 year old wisdom ( last year) informed me I would be so much less stressed before the tour if I just got my act together much sooner in the year.  So, Emma, I'm placing any waste of paint and supplies and time this January very firmly upon YOUR shoulders!  ;)   Just kidding.

I do have a collection of paintings in various states of completion and I am truly far ahead as compared to years past and yet I find myself rushing a little too quickly a little too often to get my link up on Leslie Saeta's blog...so the quality may not always be right on, however experimentation is happening which wouldn't have otherwise so I'll chalk it up to lessons learned!  

Next, there is the predicament of after I link up my art to her site of perusing through 400+ other artists' daily masterpieces...and they truly are, then I start to doubt and worry and wonder....

then, in an effort of self preservation (or ego preservation at the very least) I quickly go do something else that doesn't involve art at all....and then...

my next predicament:  I fall behind!  Payroll for Glad Crest Farms is in fine shape, I'm proud to report, but I failed to post yesterday at all...so today, a 2 for one!

The 2 missing seasons from my little experimental series.   Summer had many challenges, Autumn was much easier.

Enjoy!

each 12 x 16

acrylic on canvas board

Painting lately

I have picked up the paintbrush again and I'm beginning my art "marathon" in preparation for this year's Pontiac Artists' Studio Tour.  I struggle with each and every painting because there is a constant part of me that wonders am I good enough?  Enough for what or who? - I have no idea.
I do know I can scour through galleries, websites and magazines and without a doubt feel deep down that I'm missing the mark and every single artist out there is superior to me.  I can study and analyse and assess what they seem to be doing that resonates with me.   I can even go so far as attempting to 'copy' their style to learn and broaden my talent and yet it all falls flat.
I'm told not to paint what is saleable, but what feels right to me.  This makes sense.  But how do I know what is right for me?  What I would buy is not exactly what I paint.  Regardless, I keep trying.
What I do know is I can see slight improvements in my art as the years pass.  The change is subtle but encouraging.  I also know that no matter what the final product looks like I am mesmerized while I'm in the process.  Whether I work intensely for 30 minutes or labour for 4 hours at a time, my focus, heart and soul are all at the table, communicating and working out the composition together and while I haven't scored the staus of  "world renowned or acclaimed" and likely never will I know that whatever I have to offer come June, however quaint, will be authentically "me".

Anniversary day

'Tis our anniversary today.  Seventeen years married, not a particularly momentous number but an accomplishment none the less.  I now wait for many relatives to descend upon us as today correlates to a Christmas in July party that is happening at our home I'm reflecting quietly on how much I've changed over the past 17 years of married life.  Although I can look in the mirror and lament some not so favourable changes to many parts of my anatomy, I can say without a doubt that marrying my high school sweetheart and hanging on for dear life through the years and rocky roads and roller coasters that ensued is the single best decision I ever made.  Years back I would be in total panic mode at the present time as I wait for 30 plus people to arrive and in my mind scrutinize how I look, how my kids are dressed, how clean the house is, if the environment is favourable and so on....   Today I'm not throwing all my standards out the window, not at all as the passage of time has guaranteed us the privilege of a nicer home and more mature kids that can (for the most part) act accordingly but I am remarkably very relaxed.  I am what I am, warts and all and if people haven't accepted me for who I am by now, no sense getting my knickers in a knot!  


A huge part of this self acceptance comes with the love and unconditional support of the wonderful boy, now a man that I fell for all those years ago.  Lets face it-there's only so many occasions, so many years that can pass with me acting like a psychotic whirling dervish of panicked energy while this calm, cool and casual man remains completely unfazed by my side before even I, slow learner that I am realize that I'm expending quite a bit of energy on really nothing much! 
A glass breaks, clean it up.  The button pops on my pants as I head to the bathroom one last time before guests arrive...oh bloody hell!....but no biggie, go get the needle and thread it will be long fixed before anyone comes!, the house is unbearably hot as we endure yet another week of unbroken heat wave, so what! I cannot control these things, so why stress? 
I have so much to be thankful for, my great children, beautiful home, financial comfort, friends, family and of course Scott, the rock in my life, unwavering and unshakable. 


I do still have complete psychotic moments, no doubt, life does still deliver many, many bumps and yes, I still over-react at least half the time but I calm down quicker, explode a little slower and I don't believe it's simply because I care less or am too old only that I was very blessed to find the Yin to my Yang so very long ago.  He compliments whatever it is that I've got and makes this journey such a fun and terrific adventure!  Thanks Mr. Judd for spending your life by my side!        

God given Talent

I spend too much time worrying about my talents.  Am I using them to the best of my ability?  Which ones should I focus on?  Am I wasting my most important ones and instead imparting too much time and energy on ones that won’t deliver optimal results?  Some days I create intricate excuses or just throw up my hands in frustration and bury my time in some useless activity then invariably feel all the more miserable after for the time wasted.  Should I not have done something, made something, achieved something?  What a messed up ‘canvas’ I’m creating!  Maybe I was right where I needed to be at that moment and maybe I’d save so very much anxiety if I just learn to accept who I am as I am.

What I am slowly coming to realize is I am very much affected by the seasons and the weather.  William Shakespeare long ago wrote “At Christmas I no more desire a rose than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth; but like of each thing that in season grows.”  That is me.  There are seasons when I cannot force myself to put paint to canvas.  There are seasons when I cannot resist the allure of some warm wool in my hands as I turn it into something else.  There are times when I cannot put down a novel and other times when I have no desire whatsoever to pick one up.  I even wonder sometimes why I fill my space with things that I have no desire to use.  There are seasons that I embrace the pull of warm, rich soil in my hands as I plant and nourish and grow and there are seasons that relieve me of my guilt in not tending to all my outside spaces with the precision and attention they undoubtedly deserve, I am then elated to be finally buried inside, in the warmth, with a new set of goals in hand.

So, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t worry.  I also don’t need to categorize and itemize every task and talent and numerically order them from greatest to least.  I make mental lists, but then my head gets so full of all I haven’t done that I go through fits of despondency when really I might need to step back and check out the ‘canvas’ I’ve been creating from a different angle.

So what if every moment of every day is not spent with artist’s brush in hand?  Sometimes I trade it out for a hammer or a pen or a shovel or someone else’s hand.  Perhaps I’m not wasting my talents at all but using every single last one which was given to me.  I imagine it’ll take more than my lifetime to perfect any one of them but in the meantime the picture I’m creating is pretty rich.  Instead of worrying about efficiency or people’s perceptions I’m listening to the quiet…and the silence isn’t telling me that I’m wasting space or energy, the silence allows me to breathe and maybe just whispers ever so softly that I’m doing just fine.  Relax and get on with it…whatever “it” may be.

Meanwhile..."it" is painting again! ;)

The New Year...

A time for new beginnings,

new possibilities, new challenges, adventures, complications.

Who knows what the New Year will hold?

Not I.

I’m not making any resolutions…I am big on planning but I don’t like making promises I know I won’t likely keep…to myself or others.  So, I will go quietly on my journey, one day at a time since we really don’t know what the future will hold, I will only attempt to do my best at whatever moment I find myself in and I know I’ll fall short of the mark a thousand times over…but I’ll keep trying again and again.  

So, for today…a time to celebrate how far I’ve come, the wonderful world around me, the family we’ve created and the blessings we’ve been given.

For tomorrow…Who knows?

St. Theresa’s Prayer

“May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.”

Happy New Year!  Jen

OMG...Hanging an art exhibit is exhausting!!!

All my work (that would fit) is now hung in the Cafe and on display for all to critique and hopefully...enjoy.

I'm not sure why I'm exhausted, but I am.  The process of creating art is much more pleasing than measuring and spacing and placing disparate groups of mismatched frames while Cafe goers come and go amidst my personal chaos. 
I want everything to look perfect, I want to please people, I want to be successful. 
But what does that mean to me, exactly?           Not sure. 
          Sure, I'd love to turn all that art into cash and pay off a bit of debt, sure, I'd love to be well known as a great artist. 
But somewhere deep down I think I'm looking for approval.  Always looking for approval everywhere and I find the hunt extremely exhausting.  So to clarify, it's not that pat on the head, "you did good" type of approval I want, but approval where I can look in the mirror, look into my own eyes and know that I did the best I could and know that God knows too and not care one flying fig leaf what anyone else really thinks.  That's the type I'm looking for and it's getting a bit easier to find that.
Because- I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin as I get older. 
Because- I'm realizing that I'm really not as important as I once thought I was and I'm good with that.
Because- I think I did the best I could for right now. 
So, if I were to title my exhibit, which I'm not, I would likely not call it "Seasons" (which would make sense) or even my lofty idea of "God Speaks" (an interpretation better explained on a more coherent day)  but likely just "The best of me for now" , not too catchy or earth shattering but simple and true. 
If my art can make someone smile, remember, dream or just lose themselves for even a moment then I can be content knowing that I've done exactly all I need to do.
I think I'll sleep well tonight.  
                                 ....and I will update the gallery very soon.